Round 2

I went a solid 3-1 last week, giving me the inevitable boost of confidence I need to royally screw the pooch this week. Here's your divisional round picks.

Jaguars +13 over PATRIOTS: I'm torn. Do I want to see the Patriots do something that will likely never be seen again in my lifetime, if at all, or do I want to see a mass suicide of annoying Boston fans. Well I'm going with the Jags for a few reasons. First of all, I think they match up really well(that has got to be the most overused phrase of the season. There's got to be something better, but I'm hungover so we're just gonna go with it). They've got a punishing run game, the secondary to keep Randy Moss under check, and the defense to keep Brady from getting too comfortable. As the Jags have proven this year, playing in the cold on the road doesn't bother them. They won't be able to let down in the second half against the Patriots like they did in their two games in Pittsburgh though. Plus, if I pick the Jags and they win, I look like a genius, but if I pick the Patriots and they win I'm just another guy who can pick the obvious. Patriots win, but I get the spread. Patriots 31-24.

COLTS -9 over Chargers: How fucking crazy would it be if Norv Turner comes in and takes the Chargers to the big one in his first year after all the shit he took in the first half of the season. Two months ago Marty Schottenheimer was sitting at home chuckling to himself and waiting for the Chargers to beg him to come back. Now he's just hoping that Pete Carroll stays at USC so that maybe the Falcons will throw him a bone. If the Colts hadn't won it all last year, you'd probably have to be liking the Chargers because Manning would still be playing with the stigma of not being able to win the big one. Now though, all the pressure is off him, and he's playing loose and relaxed and confident. With Antonio Gates and Lorenzo Neal gimping and maybe not playing, the Colts win this one and cover. Colts 31-17.

Playoff Picks: 3-1

Money Picks*

PACKERS -7.5 over Seahawks: I wish I could pick the Seahawks, I really do, but I just don't see this one happening. Seahawks are great at home, but they've never traveled well. And while Favre and the Packers haven't been as dominant at home this year as they have in the past, Lambeau Field has got to be one of the hardest places to play a playoff game in the league. With Favre potentially playing the last home game of his career, the Packers and their fans are going to be looking for blood. Plus, I can't - in good conscience - pick a team whose kicker is wearing battery powered pants. That's right, Josh Brown is wearing electric pants that will keep his legs at a balmy 75 degrees no matter how cold it gets in Green Bay. Seriously Josh? Did you just feel that kickers have enough of a tough-guy reputation that announcing the fact that you are going to be sitting on the bench with an electric blanket wrapped around your legs wasn't going to get ridiculed at all? Brett Favre will probably be out there in a short sleeve shirt and you're going to walking around hoping you don't step in a puddle of spilled beer and fry your tiny testes. By the way, if you're betting this game, I would highly recommend buying at least a 1/2 point if not a full point to knock the spread down to 7 or better just in case. Packers 28-20.

Giants +7.5 over COWBOYS: Have you ever gotten a date with a really hot chick that is so far out of your league you can't even believe she gave you her number. Maybe the first date is going pretty well, but you know that there's no way this is really going to happen so you're just kinda of enjoying the fact that everybody in the place is just assuming she's out with you because you're hung like fucking whale. Then at the end of the night you get that kiss and second date and you start thinking this girl has to be either blind or fucking insane. A few days later things still seem too good to be true and you're starting to think maybe she just has a thing for skinny white boys with mullets and it's around this time that she inevitably drops the "maybe we should just be friends" line out of nowhere and bursts your balloon. Well that's what it's like betting on Eli Manning this year. The only question is is this the week that she comes to her senses and drops your sorry ass or does she have one to many glasses of wine and lets you take her shirt off. I don't know, but Manning is 8-1 on the road this year(with their one loss coming in week 1 at Dallas) and Eli has publicly stated that he is much more comfortable playing in warm weather(makes you kinda wonder why the fuck he forced the Chargers to trade him on draft day to the Giants. If I didn't like playing in cold weather I sure as hell wouldn't pass up San Diego for New York). Not to mention TO's hurt ankle and Tony Romo, Keith Whitten, and who knows who else coming off a weeklong gang bang in Mexico with Jessica Simpson and her dad. I'm uncorking another bottle of Yellowtail and going for boobies. Giants 27-21.

Playoff Bets: 1-0

*Note: 5 out of 5 doctors recommend NOT following this advice. If you value your money at all, you should seriously consider NOT betting on the advice of an anonymous internet blogger.