Week 11 Picks

At 5:00 Wednesday afternoon I was wrapping up at my real job with a nice little plan for the evening. I had six pack chilling in the fridge next to a fat rib-eye that had been marinating for almost 24 hours. I was going to drink, eat, and watch the Blazers eventually lose to the Nuggets and catch up on a little "Shot of Love with Tila Tequila"(By the way, whether you watch the show or not, do yourself a favor and watch the last 10 minutes of the most recent episode. You won't be disappointed). I was completely unaware that Rob Zombie and Ozzie Osbourne were even playing in the Rose Garden that night. Less than 4 hours later, I was standing stage left, 10 rows up, drowning in a sea of vodka/red bulls, bare titties(ranging from sagging 40 year old tits to 25 year old fake, pierced DD's), and enough ahem, alternative smoke, to make Ricky Williams cough up a lung. All of this courtesy of some guy I'd never met who had given tickets to a co-worker of a friend's elementary school buddy who happened to be in town from Denver for an entomological conference. I don't know what you had to do to get those tickets Cheryl, but it was worth it. Next thing I know Ozzie is baring his ass to the crowd(how is it that the Prince of Darkness has an ass white enough to blind a polar bear?), and then we're on the train home with a 60 year old guy who insists we hold his glass eye while he tries to talk a drunk chick into taking off her black hot pants and giving us all a dance. God damn life is random!

None of that has anything to do with sports or football, but it makes for a helluva better story than trying to explain how I went 2-12 in my picks last week.

Raiders +5 over VIKINGS - Purple Jesus didn't rise from injured list after 3 days, and Chester Taylor and Tavaris Jackson won't beat the Raiders without him
EAGLES -10 over Dolphins - If the Dolphins go 0-16 the same year as the Patriots go 19-0, will the remaining members of the 1972 Dolphins all commit seppuku?
JAGUARS -2.5 over Chargers - So you beat the Colts on a night when Manning threw 6 picks and Vinatieri missed a 29 yarder? Sorry still no love for you Norv
RAVENS +3 over Browns - Everyone is awfully impressed that the Browns almost beat the Steelers. But they still gave up 400 yards to the Steelers while only getting 163 yards from scrimmage.
Saints pick over TEXANS - Reggie Bush vs Mario Williams is the only mildly interesting thing about this game
Giants +3 over LIONS - Has Tom Coughlin's annual year end implosion started yet? Or can they squeak out win over the God's favorite quarterback?
PACKERS -9.5 over Panthers - The Packers are bound to start disappointing us soon, but at home in November against a shitty warm weather team? I'll take Favre in the battle of the geriatric quarterbacks.
COLTS -14.5 over Chiefs - Does this look like the face of someone who is going to let the Chiefs stay within 3 touchdowns of him?
Steelers -9.5 over JETS - I don't see Tomlin making the mistake of holding back on the run game against a shitty run defense like he did in Denver. Even Davenport is going to get some yards this week
Rams -3 over 49ERS - I must still have a contact high from the Ozzie concert to pick the Rams as road favorites against anybody but Notre Dame.
SEAHAWKS -5.5 over Bears - Sexy Rexy is back!! Before last weeks game Mike Holmgren said he was going to start passing more. Nice Mike, way to step up and really make your point. This might have carried a little weight if you had said it before Shaun Alexander got hurt. As for you Shaun, you notice how Morris hit the holes and actually tried to gain yardage? You might give that a shot instead of pussy-footing up the line and falling over sideways all the time. DISCLAIMER: If Shaun Alexander starts this game, consider this a Bears pick.
COWBOYS -10.5 over Redskins - 11 points is a pretty big spread, but I don't see the Cowboys losing to a division rival at home this year.
Patriots -16 over BILLS - The Patriots have only missed one cover this year, and that was only because Belichick decided to run out the clock instead of kicking field goal against the Colts.

Season: 60-76-9

Money Picks*

Bucs -3 over FALCONS - The dirty birds have snuck out 2 wins in a row...against the Panthers and the 49ers. Add one more win over the Texans and I still see a very bad team
Cardinals +3.5 over BENGALS - Whisenhunt knows the Bengals as well as any team in the league, plus the Bengals are really really shitty
Titans +2 over BRONCOS - Broncos still have no run defense, as long as Jeff Fisher doesn't pull a Tomlin and have Vince Young go pass-happy the Titans should win this one outright.

Season: 16-23

* Note: 5 out of 5 doctors recommend NOT following this advice. If you value your money at all, you should seriously consider NOT betting on the advice of an anonymous internet blogger.