In future news, Travis Pastrana is dead

I totally stole that joke from a Jimmy Fallon Weekend Update joke a few years back, but it's fitting. Earlier this month Travis Pastrana flew to Puerto Rico to jump out of a plane from 12,500 feet. Oh, and he wasn't wearing a parachute.

four members of his group skydived from a single-engine Cessna from 12,500 feet. Pastrana performed his jump wearing only sunglasses, socks and surf trunks while holding a can of Red Bull.

He was not wearing a parachute.

WTF!! It's not even like he and his buddies got shitfaced on absenthe and cocaine and got a hair up their ass and decided to give it a shot. No, this crazy m-fer has been planning it for an entire year!! He actually thought about it for a year and then still decided it was a good idea, plus managed to convince 3 more experienced jumpers(oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Pastrana only has a beginner skydiver rating and only about 100 jumps under his belt) to save his life. By the time he jumped, he'd known the other jumpers for less than a week.

So to recap, Travis Pastrana is fucking crazy!

Belichick a Gambler??

I'm just saying, you're up by 10 with a minute left and the Patriots go for it on 4th a goal from the 5. No big deal until you remember the spread was 17 points. But the real question is whether Browns tight end, Kellen Winslow bet on the Patriots too, or if Belichick just had some dirt on him? One play after the Patriots fail to convert the 4th down, Winslow fumbles a completed pass that the Patriots returned for a touchdown to push(or cover if you got a generous bookie) the spread.

Steelers also picked up a huge 21-0 win against the Seahawks, even more impressive considering they had 4 key starters(Hines Ward, Santonio Holmes, Troy Polamalu, and Casey Hampton) out with injuries. Now they've got two weeks to get healthy before traveling to Mile High to take on the Broncos. Davenport had two touchdowns, and even pulled off the "Heinz Hop", which he learned while playing in Green Bay with the Lambeau Leap. Although it wasn't really a hop, more of a "Heinz struggle to climb your chunky ass up endzone wall." I've got no complaints though, as long as he gets in the endzone, he can do whatever he wants to celebrate. The defining moment was the Steelers opening drive of the second half. 80 yards in 10+ minutes, and they kept the drive going through 3 big holding calls, including 2 that brought back big gains. The secondary absolutely shut down the Seahawks pass game, even though they were missing Polamalu and third cornerback Bryant McFadden. Big Ben looked fantastic, completing 13 straight passes at one point. While he was missing his top 2 receivers, he did great looking mostly to Heath Miller and Cedrick Wilson. Willie Parker also got back in the groove with 102 yards on the ground.

The defense was dominating. I already mentioned the secondary, but everyone looked solid in the shutout, holding Seattle to 144 total yards. The only disappointing moment was Ike Taylor who dropped two potential interceptions. He still ended up with one that kept the Seahawks from scoring at the end of the first half though, and his coverage was airtight, so I can't complain too much.

Bad News for the Steelers

Hines Ward is officially out, and neither Troy Polamalu or nose tackle Casey Hampton practiced all week and are game-time decisions. In addition cornerback Bryant McFadden is out as well.

Ward is not as big as concern, but Polamalu and Hampton not playing would not be good for the defense, and McFadden, even though he's only the 3rd cornerback on the depth chart, is one of the best coverage men they have.

Marijuana causes pregnancy??

You remember those old anti-drug commercials that said something like "Marijuana causes pregnancy" in an all sinister-like voice? I always thought they were bullshit, but it turns out there might be something to it. Or at least that would explain some of Travis Henry's problems. The Denver running back, and the NFL's leading impregnator with 9 children by 9 different women, tested positive for marijuana in a drug test. He faces up to a 1-year suspension, but is suing the NFL to prevent them using the drug tests to suspend him. I know Roger Goodell is trying to lay down the law on NFL offenders this year, but I think it would be in everybody's best interest if Henry wasn't suspended. Not only does he need the money for child support, which has to be a staggering bill, but literally every minute he spends off the football field could seriously hurt the already troubling world population problem.

Now onto this weeks games. It's a big weekend in the Copperhouse, as the Steelers and Seahawks face off in their first match-up since Pittsburgh dropped Seattle in Super Bowl XL. Be prepared for the Sea-turkeys to bitch and moan about every little call when they lose again this weekend, I'm sure they'll be in good practice since most of them still haven't quit bitching about their loss 2 years ago. We should see a good day from Willie Parker as Seattle's defense has been giving up over 100yds rushing/game. No word yet on whether Hines Ward will be playing this weekend, but Ben will be looking to get back on his game after a disappointing performance last weekend.

We had a pretty solid week last week, going 9-5, but only went 2-4 on the money picks. We barely missed a 3:1 payout on the 4 team teaser thanks to the Steelers getting Whised on by the Redbirds. We ended slightly up though when we added to our Monday Night bet on the Patriots.

Home team in CAPS:

PATRIOTS -17 over Browns
SAINTS -3 over Panthers
GIANTS -3.5 over Jets
STEELERS -6 over Seahawks
Lions +3.5 over REDSKINS
Falcons +8.5 over TITANS
Bucs +10.5 over COLTS
Chargers +1.5 over BRONCOS
49ERS +3.5 over Ravens
PACKERS -3.5 over Bears
Cowboys -11 over BILLS

Season: 31-24-6

Money Picks

Cardinals -3.5 over RAMS
TEXANS -6 over Dolphins
Jaguars -2 over CHIEFS

Season: 6-10

OJ's fake Rolex confiscated

Apparently Ron Goldman's collection agent picked up OJ's Rolex only to discover that it was a counterfeit and more or less worthless.

Pittsburgh Injury Report

Defensive starters Troy Polamalu and Casey Hampton are expected to start on Sunday against Seattle after they both left the Arizona game injured. Matt Spaeth should also be back after missing two games with a bruised quad. That should upset Heath Miller fantasy owners since Spaeth has been hijacking some of his scores, but you know what? Kiss my ass, a score's a score, and I don't give a shit about your fantasy team.

The Steelers are still not sure about Hines Ward, and he is listed day to day and we'll have to see how his knee feels during practice. Cornerback Bryant McFadden will also miss the game, and as much as a month with a severly sprained ankle. McFadden isn't a starter, but is the primary backup. He will be replaced in extra-db situations by either rookie William Gay or Ricardo Colclough(who insists his last name is pronounced Coke-lee, despite all evidence against it). McFadden's absence could be a factor, but Gay showed some promise in preseason, so we'll have to see.

Big Ben also bruised his foot when it was stepped on last Sunday, but is not expected to miss any time.

Whisenhunt takes down the Steelers

That game sucked. When you're a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, even when you lose, you're not used to seeing your team get out-toughed, especially by the frickin Cardinals. I don't want to take anything away from the Arizona defense, but it was painfully obvious that Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm built that Steelers offense from scratch. They knew our weaknesses, they knew our blocking schemes, and they knew what it took to stop us and they executed. Neither team played very well, but even with the lead, the Steelers never looked like they were the best team. Meanwhile the Cardinals showed the country something they never have before...grittiness and toughness. Injuries hurt us bad(no pun intended), with Hines Ward out the entire game, Roethlisberger was without his go-to receiver and when Troy Polamalu left in the second half, the defense had trouble stopping the Kurt Warner/Matt Leinart combo. On the plus side, those weaknesses were exposed early. Tomlin and Arians can now address those and we can get back on track next week against the Seahawks before going into a bye week.

We've made it through the first four weeks of the season, so today we're going to update the Copperhouse Power Rankings.

1. Patriots - The Patsies have been absolutely dominating teams and Brady is loving his new talent at WR. Right now they look unbeatable, so obviously they must be cheating.
2. Colts - They haven't been nearly as dominant as New England, but their defense is still solid and Joseph Addai is running really well
3. Cowboys - We'll see if Romo can avoid another late-season letdown, but the Cowboys look really good
4. Packers - The only other team in the NFC that is playing really good consistent ball. Brett Favre looks like the old #4
5. Steelers - Until Sunday, they were an easy #3 in the rankings. We'll have to see how they do against the Seahawks to know if the Arizona game was a fluke or if something more is wrong
6. Seahawks - They're looking better, but they have some problems in the run game. The entire team looks pretty lackadaisical at times
7. Titans - The rushing game is looking really good, and the defense is holding up its end of the bargain
8. Buccaneers - Everybody knows Cadillacs are shitty cars that break down all the time. If Michael Pittman can't step it up, the Bucs will fall hard
9. Lions - Holy shit, the Lions are in the top 10. Head to the bunker, the world is ending
10. Jaguars - The offense is going to have to put up more points if they want to make a run, but the defense is keeping them in the game so far
11. Ravens - You thought I was kidding when I said before the season the defense was getting old. Somebody get those boys some walkers
12. Texans - until last weekends let down, they were in the top 10. If they can get healthy, this team is going to make the playoffs
13. Cardinals - They're defense looked pretty solid last week. Was it just because Whisenhunt knew what to expect from the Steelers, or are they actually improving?
14. Broncos - 2-2, and could easily be 0-4 except for Jason Elam. This week they face off against the Chargers in a fight for the biggest disappointment in the AFC West
15. Giants - Eli is starting to look like he knows what he's doing out there
16. Browns - Showing signs of improvement. If Anderson keeps playing like this, Brady Quinn won't see the field for awhile
17. Eagles - I swear man, if that McNabb was white I wouldn't be nearly as disappointed in that shitty ass game he played
18. 49ers - Gore is going to need to start doing better, and the passing game has been disappointing at best
19. Raiders - This team looks to have started to turn things around. In the suddenly shitty AFC West, they actually have a chance to make the playoffs
20. Redskins - meh, whatever
21. Chargers - LT can't do shit, Philip Rivers looks lost, and Norv Turner is an idiot. At least they won't have to worry about losing in the first round of the playoffs when they're sitting on the beach in January
22. Chiefs - Even with the win over the Chargers, I can't put them above San Diego yet
23. Bears - Moving to Griese over Grossman didn't change anything, this team is in free fall
24. Panthers - You're gonna have to beat somebody besides the Rams and the Falcons to move up in the rankings
25. Falcons - good win against the Texans last weekend, we'll see if Harrington can keep improving
26. Bengals - Wow, that defense looks bad when they can't get turnovers. With Rudi Johnson out, the offense isn't going to be able to keep up
27. Saints - talk about falling fast, a preseason Super Bowl team, the Saints now just trying to get a win. With McAllister out for the season, it doesn't get any easier from here on out
28. Bills - Finally got a win on Sunday, but it was against the Jets. So much for them being better than expected this year
29. Jets - J - E -T - S Jets Suck!! At least they didn't just blow a 7 game lead or have their coach convicted of sexual harrassment
30. Vikings - QB troubles eating this team alive, and the secondary hasn't improved much from last year
31. Rams - Even with Steven Jackson, this team would be struggling to get a win
32. Dolphins - Good news, Ricky Williams is applying for reinstatement to the league. Since he's still under contract with the Dolphins, he'll be able to provide them all with some kick ass herb to ease the pain of this season